I run a dog training business. I’ve now worked with hundreds of dogs over the last six years. And there was a stretch of time with my own dog where I sat with the very real thought that I might have to give him away.
That’s up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome emotionally and mentally and it nearly broke me into a million pieces. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to overcome any of it and that was terrifying to me. Even typing this out I can feel myself physically becoming smaller. If you've read my first post confessions of a new dog owner this is definitely a deeper more vulnerable dive I’m about to take with you.
I don’t say that to be dramatic, growing up I was the epitome of drama (my mom always said I should be an actress) but this was anything but a joke to me. Maybe you’ve never felt this way before (I pray people don’t) but deep down I know it’s not true. These are very real experiences for many people, you just don’t hear about them.
Same way you don’t hear about folks with immediate family members incarcerated or homeless. Or parents or siblings who are estranged from you. It happens more than you’d think but it can be a very vulnerable conversation to speak out about.
When I think back to it, I felt like the only one alive with this thought and I would reach for anyone who could relate. To be relatable is to make someone feel seen and I so badly thought I needed that. Also, who was I to have these thoughts? I felt terrible, but I also didn’t know if anything would change.
It was about three or four years into life with Jax that things started to feel more prominent with his resource guarding. Maybe earlier. I was never good with dates. He’s 9½ now, and it’s hard to put into words just how much of who I am today exists because of him. He didn’t just change the direction of my life—he became one of the most pivotal parts of it. He’s seen me in my most darkest moments and had experienced trauma I can refer back to, not just stories I made up from his past. Anyone who thinks dogs don’t take notes about a person is gravely mistaken. He’s also seen me in my best, happiest moments- my life changing moments.
That’s what made it so disheartening.. when Jax was good, he was soooooo good. And when things went bad, it would nearly paralyze me, I was at the start of my career and everything I ever learned or knew was erased from my mind in regard to his behavior. That’s what can happen when you are scared enough of what life could look like without your dog. You’re heart sinks into the lowest place. How could I do this? A dog who has nearly saved me just through his presence.
I’d already been to trainers by this point. Trainers who had genuinely helped me but it wasn’t enough. And I still felt hopeless, because it started to feel like they weren’t seeing what I was seeing. And if they couldn’t see it, how could they possibly help me fix it?
Early on, Jax would resource guard food. If you’re not sure what that means.. It’s essentially a dog guarding or protecting (sometimes at whatever cost) items, objects, space or people from someone. Jax had resource guarded food from my Dad.